Initially after
completing the diagnostic surveys for scale self-awareness I was really
disappointed in how low I scored in many areas.
In the overall self-awareness assessment I noticed that I scored in the
bottom quartile. But upon reading the
chapter on Developing Self-Awareness (Whetten & Cameron, 2011) and
reflecting on my characteristics as a person, it's not so surprising. I’ve always considered myself to be a humble
person that was open to critical feedback.
But I also must admit that I am a very defensive person when it comes to
being corrected or criticized, sometimes even retaliating by pointing out
others’ defects as a defense mechanism and a way of taking the heat off myself. Although I am aware of this behavior and try
to self-correct it, I think that my low self-esteem and lack of confidence gets
the best of me.
My score in
regards to the emotional intelligence assessment was not that surprising since
I’ve always known myself to be extremely sensitive and prone to feelings of
victimization in situations where I cannot deal with my shortcomings. In fact, I have received therapy over the
years to help me overcome this sensation of victimization and guilt that has
plagued me since I can remember. The
fact that I am disclosing this personal information through such a visible
forum, since it contradicts the idea of self-awareness (ability to
self-disclose,) is an irony in itself because, although I know all these flaws about
myself, I’m always open to discussing them (once the hurt, shame, and
defensiveness has subsided of course). I
am no stranger to admitting my faults and am always eager to improve, yet it
seems I always retreat to old behaviors.
As far as the Cognitive
Style Indicator Assessment, the scores pretty much reflected how I perceive
myself and how I think others perceive me.
Out of the three dimensions of cognitive style I scored the lowest in
the Knowing Style. I tend to be a more
spontaneous individual and tend to jump to conclusions easily. I’m not very logical and tend to space out
quite frequently. The fact that I work
in an administrative environment is quite a feat! It only means I have to really pay attention
to detail, and practice extreme concentration when working on administrative
tasks. I tend to think more abstractedly,
am numerically challenged (classic case of Arithmaphobia – yes it is a real
condition) and am much more ambiguous in my decision-making, sometimes taking an
eternity to make a decision – Chocolate milk? Plain milk? Chocolate milk? Plain
milk? A lot of this has to do with my lack of confidence and insecurity which
instills the fear that I am constantly making wrong choices. In contrast, I exceeded in the Planning and
Creative styles, scoring much higher than most young managers and MBA students
alike. I find it to be very contradictive
that I scored so high on the Planning Style since I have been pegged as a kind
of “floating head” and to the public eye seem to be quite unorganized. Yet, within the chaos that is my creative
mind, there is order. I enjoy planning,
organizing, filing, tabbing and basically compartmentalizing everything in my
home and office. I am a believer of
to-do-lists, and in fact, tend to make lists for everything. Lastly, my highest cognitive score was in
Creating Style. I consider myself to be
a natural creator and will make art out of anything. I am a non-conformist, am always thinking
out-
of-the-box and enjoy experimental
practices in my work. I am constantly
trying to think of new and innovative ways of doing things better and more
efficiently.
My results of the
locus of control scale were parallel with most of my beliefs in respect to fate
and destiny. I am a true believer that
we are masters of our own destiny.
Although I do believe that things can happen that seem out of our
control, I feel that the real control and end results come from how we react
and behave in the face of these experiences.
For every action there is a reaction.
I believe that perseverance, faith, hard-work, and an overall positive
outlook in life will always land you exactly where you need to be. I also believe that everything happens for a
reason and the real success we experience in life comes from acceptance of our
present reality. Ironically, I am a
walking contradiction because although I hold these beliefs in my heart, the
practice has been more challenging but I am constantly battling my demons to
stay on the path of my true values. As
far as the Tolerance of Ambiguity Scale, I scored within the second quartile. The assessment measures novelty, complexity
and insolubility all of which confirmed my inability to cope with sudden change
or complicated situations. Generally,
when faced with problems that seem too “big” for me, I tend to shut down or
freeze up. Eventually I can find my way
through the problem but not without a good degree of emotional distress. I’ve never been one to run and hide but there
is a good chance of crumpling into a fetal position onto the floor and
infantile thumb-sucking as I try to figure my way out of the crisis.
Lastly, I was not
in shock to see myself at the second quartile of the Core-Self Evaluation. If you’ve been reading this blog, you
probably have come to the conclusion that I’m a blubbering, self-conscious,
emotionally unstable cad who AT LEAST doesn’t blame the universe for her
shortcomings and instead is man enough to own up to the fact that this is my
own doing (internal locus of control).
I think the only
thing I have going for me is that I have a deep willingness to learn, transform
and evolve as a person. I am honest with
myself at the least about what my weaknesses are and determined to do the
necessary work to improve my self-awareness.
But I think with the right tools, a little bit of butt-kicking and less
complaining, and a box of tissues, I can strive to make it to at least the
middle quartile!
References
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